Creative Response

One of the concerns of the people coming to the Cuddle Party for the first time is how to handle situations in which touch can lead to sexual inclinations. "What if I touch someone and they feel attracted by me?" or "What if I get aroused by someone at a Cuddle Party?" In the Welcome Circle we agree on the following guidelines:

• we are allowed to like people at a Cuddle Party;

• we are allowed to be attracted to people at a Cuddle Party;

• we are even allowed to be aroused at a Cuddle Party, we are not just going to act on it.

Has this ever happened to someone at a Cuddle Party? I would think so although I never heard people complain about somebody else's unethical behaviour or about their own inability to handle whatever sexual feelings might have come up for them as a result of physical contact. For starters, the format of the Cuddle Party takes care of a lot of these issues by channeling our creative (erotic) energy into the sphere of connectedness rather than sex. This however does not mean that we want to repress our emotions and avoid those "uncomfortable" situations. On the contrary! Cuddle Party provides an opportunity to look at sexuality from a different angle and to question our own (often distorted by the society) assumptions about the relationship between touch and sex as well as explore how we relate to whatever comes up for us.

What do we do if/when if have a sexual thought or feeling arising at a Cuddle Party? In the Welcome Circle we offer a few helpful guidelines but the main idea is that we don't need to do anything about it. If we simply observe what we are thinking or feeling without repressing it or acting on it, it will disappear all by itself. Such situations can also teach us a lot about ourselves and help us learn about and embrace the various aspects of ourselves, including our sexuality.

The other day my sharp eye spotted Cuddle Party being mentioned in the episode of the British television series Lead Balloon .

The main character, a cynical and misanthropic comedian Rick Spleen sees a flyer for the Cuddle Party in London at his local café...

...and gets curious

His friend and co-writer Marty heard about Cuddle Party from his friends in the States.

"So what is it about?", Rick asks. "It says right here, it's about developing intimacy and comminication skills in a boundary appropriate setting", Marty reads from the flyer.

Rick can hardly believe his ears. "What kind of weirdos go to a Cuddle Party?" Obviously, they are not all weirdos: Michael, the owner of the café, goes!

He's been to a few already and finds it quite rewarding.

"So you just go to one of those and cuddle total strangers?", Rick asks in disbelief.

"It's entirely non-sexual and only if you want to", explains Michael

This doesn't quite compute for Rick, "You don't have to cuddle at a Cuddle Party"?

"No, as it happens I still haven't given my concent yet", says Michael proudly.

He is taking it one step at a time, gathering courage. "Apparently taking that leap changes you forever.

And it makes you feel more relaxed with the idea of a physical touch."

Rick finds the idea appalling. He actually feels physically sick. Marty thinks that maybe Rick could use a cuddle and go to a Cuddle Party with Michael.

But Rick cannot even hear the word, "Don't say it!"

"Cuddle. Say it! It's an easy word. Cuddle", Marty goes on and on.

At home Rick tells his partner Mel that he actually can't think of anything more disgusting than a group of people gathering for one big hug.

Mel's more open to the idea: if people want to do it, let them. They are not forcing him to go.

Rick cannot understand why Mel is not more disgusted...

...and even thinks Cuddle Party should be forbidden. Anyway, why does eveything have to be workshop these days? It's pathetic!

Mel thinks Cuddle Party sounds harmless and is sure some people can benefit from it.

Meanwhile Michael has become a FTC - First Time Cuddler. "Do I seem different today?", he asks Rick the next day.

"Not exactly"

"...'cause I went to the Cuddle Party again last night and now I am officially a Cuddle Buddy"

"Well done!", says Rick, backing out of the café.

But it is ours. Obviously. :-)

So don't miss the next Cuddle Party in April.

One of the rules of the Cuddle Party is "If you are a Yes to a request, say Yes. If you are a No, say no." Easier said than done, and easier done as an exercise than in real life, that's for sure. So what is the point of us practising to say no in the setting of a Cuddle Party as an exercise? First of all, I believe that just hearing ourselves saying no with confidence helps us build a new habit and makes us more and more comfortable with delivering the answer that feels true to us. The idea is to practice responding in an authentic way and to be direct and clear in communication with others. What I have been learning from those exercises though is the importanece of taking time to check in with myself rather than thinking the answer out or lean on something that was true for me earlier. Something that I normally would like to do might not be agreeing with me right now, in a specific situation.

The day after the previous Cuddle Party an acquaintance of mine called me and told me he was leaving town and would like to meet up for a cup of tea before going away. That left us with either Monday through Wednesday or the same Sunday. I could almost hear my brain starting to spin faster and faster, my mind getting into the solution mode, going through the schedule for the coming week and then heard myself say that for Monday through Wednesday evenings I had something else planned but we could meet up Sunday afternoon.

As the day was unfolding and I was enjoying the offline mode, I noticed that gnawing feeling of discomfort somewhere in the background that comes when I make a choice that I am internally not at peace with. I checked in with myself and realised that what I needed was the "alone time" and not "the people time". Had I done it earlier, I would have known it already then. The answer was waiting for me but I was not there. I was checking with my schedule instead of taking a second with myself, with my body. In the end I called the acquaintance, apologised and cancelled out meet up. We will meet when my friend is back in town but that time I will be looking forward to out time together.

This story helped me to once again see how easy it is to fall into the "automatic pilot" mode when we are not really in touch with the intelligence in us. In that instance I totally forgot that I had cleaned up the schedule for Sunday for a reason: the day after Cuddle Party I usually feel the need to be alone and do things slowly, to recharge the batteries and also to let the effects of that wonderful time together with others sink in. Well, hopefully I will know better next time. Just ask me and don't get surprised if I take a few seconds to drop into myself.  :-)

On January 3rd 2010 I found myself in Copenhagen at yet another Cuddle Party, surrounded by old and new friends. What better way to start a new year? Someone can say those people I met at the beginning of a Cuddle Party were not friends yet, just a bunch of strangers. Technically they were people I didn't know the names of, never met before and this is what made them strangers.

Earlier one of the assumptions I had about the world around was that to get totally relaxed around people I had to know them. This is the result of a biological wiring: we needed to gather information about people we didn't know to understand if they were a threat to our tribe or not. What happens in our lives these days is that we are not willing to let the guard down even when there is no real threat to us, not realising that keeping it up takes a lot of energy. At the same time we deprive ourselves of human interaction core-to-core, rather than head-to-head.

After a few Cuddle Parties I realised that knowing facts about other people's life (what they do for a living, where they come from, they passions in life, etc) was not enough for me to feel connected to those people and connection, above all on the emotional level, is something I need to create intimacy with people (by intimacy I mean this warm and trusting container in which I can allow myself to be just as I am around that person). Think of how many people you are acquainted with and with how many of them you can be totally yourself on those occasions you meet? We seem to know about people but seldom get a chance to meet people themselves. Often times when meeting for the first time we do this social dance asking all the right questions (the first, the one that gives many people myself included anxiety being What do you work with?) and rush further. Identifying people with their jobs or social status and placing them into a box gives us a feeling we know them. Do we? What we know is who we can call to when we want to ask about filling in the form for task returns or book an appointment with if we have a toothache. Certainly we all are more than our jobs, our hobbies, etc. But we never seem to have time to connect to people who are not our family or close friends on a deeper, emotional level.

One of the discoveries I brought from all Cuddle Parties I've attended  is that a brief introduction (that does not include any of those status related lines about job, family, etc) and the exercises in pairs we do in the communication part of the workshop are more than enough to actually open up to people I saw as strangers before. Of course, for other people it could take longer time to open up to new encounters than for me. Also on different occasions we have different emotional needs. Maybe all I need for now is just sitting close to others but on the side and have my own space. But this too would require that I tune into myself, connect with those needs and be so relaxed with others (and with my own discomfort of not knowing the people around me) that I can communicate that need to them. Yet from what I saw at those Cuddle Parties even people on the shy side pretty soon find themselves being more open and relaxed with others than they imagined was possible in the very beginning. By the time for the Closing Circle it feels we are all a bunch of friends, something many people noticed. What happens? The magic effects of oxytocin on our well-being and the degree we trust complete strangers are now scientifically proven. Yet I also think it is equally the journey each of us makes during those three hours that brings us all closer.

Think of the last time you connected with someone on a deeper level without knowing them really well. Probably waiting for the delayed flight or doing some volunteer work. When do strangers stop being strangers to you? What does it take for you to open up to others?

Here: in the company of old friends. Professional cuddlers of Scandinavia. Copenhagen, Jan 3, 2010, .